How to Deal With a Lying Spouse
Jul 29, · Lying can destroy a relationship, but all lying is not created equally. Some liars use their fabrications to be manipulative — think of the worst salesperson in the world, the most seductive person. Jun 26, · But, of course, making a habit of lying isn’t good for your relationship, period. “It can destroy it,” Durvasula says. And, she adds, “even small ticket lies repeated day after day can harm a.
Get expert help with the lying in your relationship. Click here to chat online to someone right now. Despite this, there are many individuals who are prepared to spin works of fiction to their friends, family, and partners — all with seemingly little difficulty. But what is the truth about lying? What harm does it really cause? Here we examine just 8 of the many ways in which lying dkes poisonous to relationships of all kinds. Perhaps the most obvious impact that lying has on a relationship is the erosion of trust one person has in relationsgip other.
Lies and trust cannot easily coexist; eventually the former will destroy the latter. Whether like a storm that causes a landslide, or rain that slowly eats away at rock, lies can relationwhip change the landscape of a relationship and make it uninhabitable for one or both parties. Trust is so essential for ahat strong and successful relationship that when it is lost, the chances of total collapse are very high. Being told the truth, no matter what it may be, confers the feeling of respect upon the recipient.
It proves to them that the other person places significant value upon the relationship and is not prepared to jeopardize it by deceiving them. While some truths will clearly put a relationship at risk, lies tend to be even more damaging. Telling someone the truth, even if you know it will hurt them, shows that you relatkonship willing to take responsibility for your actions ; lying shows nothing of the sorts. As what is the conversion of fahrenheit to celsius as this lack of respect becomes apparent, it begins to put great strain on all aspects of the relationship and, if left unchecked, it will be the undoing of it altogether.
Once you uncover a lie for the reationship time, it is hard not to live in expectation of future untruths from that person. You begin to question what they are saying, passing their words through your internal alarm systems in order to detect any hint of dishonesty.
The problem is that having to be on perpetual high alert for bullshit puts a real strain on the interactions between the two of you. Sooner or later, the mental energy required will make you want to avoid that person altogether. On top of all this, thinking that another lie is not just likely, but inevitable is going to make you more suspicious. This is especially true in romantic relationships where one partner starts to question where the other is, who they are with, and what they are doing.
When someone lies, they are essentially putting their own self interest before those t others. Their unwillingness to make a sacrifice wwhat the greater, long term good of a relationship is another indicator that they do not place a high value on it. Lies can also be an indication of more widespread selfishness and disregard for the other party, which can make them feel unloved and unwanted.
Being made to feel this way by another person eats away at all the positive feelings you may have towards them. The hurt may open up a divide between you, or it may simply cause old cracks to resurface and widen. Either way, your view of this person will be forever changed by the pain they have inflicted upon you.
An dos overlooked consequence of lying is that the perpetrator is also being untruthful to themselves. In attempting to conceal the truth from other people, they are refusing relationzhip reveal their genuine wants and desires to the world. In essence, they are denying their true identity and seeking to be someone that they are not. Any relationship is bound to feel the strain of z disingenuous approach to life.
For a relationship to stand the doez of time and endure the trials s everyday whah, both parties must give equal commitment and energy to it. This balance creates the feeling of partnership that binds two people together and allows them to bring the best out in each other. Lying disrupts this natural equilibrium and causes the scales to lyijg to one side.
For the person who was lied to, it can feel as though they have put their heart and soul relahionship the line, only for the liar to hold back theirs. When you recognize this how to do a western union money transfer online on their part to fully commit, it is natural to doubt their desire to make the relationship work. This is true of all kinds of relationships, but especially romantic ones.
It might even be the case that an individual is a habitual liar who sees no real wrong in telling porkies what is a masters degree in accounting the people in their life.
Unfortunately, where one lie might cause repairable damage in an otherwise strong relationship, multiple lies will serve to fan the flames of the fire ho will eventually engulf any sense of cohesiveness that once existed. As hard as this situation may be, it can be made easier with the help of a trained relationship counselor. Lyying you speak to one by yourself or with your partner, they will listen to your concerns and offer advice to get your relationship back on solid ground.
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These are the costs of deception that partners rarely consider.
Jun 23, · Lies Make A Relationship Unbalanced For a relationship to stand the test of time and endure the trials of everyday life, both parties must give equal commitment and energy to it. This balance creates the feeling of partnership that binds two people together and allows them to bring the best out in each other. Jan 31, · They can be so effective that the liar is convinced that lying supports the relationship. He or she may not want to face the hurt or choices that the truth could precipitate. article continues. Lying destroys trust Every relationship is built on mutual trust, whether that relationship it is romantic or not. Lying quickly erodes that trust, hurting both parties in the process. Whether it.
So you're not a "10" in every which way. But you're probably pretty spectacular in some way, and definitely good enough in most areas of life.
If ever there were a time to stop beating yourself up for being human, it is now. Verified by Psychology Today. Toxic Relationships. Posted Jan 31, Reviewed by Kaja Perina. Trust is fragile. Secrets and lies jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships — sometimes irreparably. Honesty is more than simply not lying. Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information through emphasis, exaggeration, or minimization, and withholding feelings or information that is important to someone who has a right to know, because it affects the relationship and deprives that person of freedom of choice and informed action.
Although we may consider ourselves honest, few of us reveal all our negative thoughts and feelings about the people we are close to. It requires courage to be vulnerable and authentic. Most people who lie worry about the risks of being honest, but give little thought to the risks of dishonesty. Some of the ways in which lies and secrets cause harm are:.
They block real intimacy with a partner. They lead to cover-up lies and omissions that can be hard to remember. These mount up, and if the truth comes out, it may be more hurtful than the original secret.
The longer the truth is hidden, the greater becomes the hurdle of revelation, for it would bring into question every instance of cover-up and all times the innocent partner relied upon and trusted the betrayer. The secret holder feels guilty, or at least uncomfortable, during intimate moments with the deceived person.
Closeness and certain topics tend to be avoided. Avoidance may not even be conscious and can include things like being preoccupied with work, friends, hobbies, or addictive behavior, and doing activities that leave little opportunity for private conversations.
The deceiver might even provoke an argument to create distance. Honesty is valued as a moral norm, although the context and specifics may differ among cultures. When we violate religious or cultural norms by hiding the truth, we experience anxiety generated by guilt.
Despite our best efforts at hiding, our physiological reaction is the basis for electronic lie detectors. This violation of our values not only leads to guilt; it also affects our self-concept. Over a long period, deception can eat away at our self-esteem. Ordinary guilt that could be reversed with honesty now becomes shame and undermines our fundamental sense of dignity and worthiness as a person. The gap between the self we show others and how we feel inside widens.
Our ways of managing guilt and shame create more problems. We hide not only the secret, but more of who we are. We might build resentments to justify our actions, withdraw, or become critical, irritable, or aggressive.
We rationalize our lie or secret to avoid the inner conflict and the danger we imagine awaits us if we come clean. Some people become obsessed with their lie, to the point that they have difficulty concentrating on anything else.
Other people are able to compartmentalize their feelings or rationalize their actions to better manage dishonesty. They can be so effective that the liar is convinced that lying supports the relationship. He or she may not want to face the hurt or choices that the truth could precipitate. Not surprisingly, beyond mental distress, research reveals that lying leads to health complaints.
The victim of deception may begin to react to the avoidant behavior by feeling confused, anxious , angry, suspicious, abandoned, or needy. They may begin to doubt themselves, and their self-esteem may suffer. Often, victims of betrayal need counseling to recover from the loss of trust and to raise their self-esteem.
Mores change over time: Homosexuality and transsexuality, once taboos, are now more openly accepted and discussed. Similarly, having unmarried parents or being adopted were once kept secret or only revealed when the child was older. Today, many families opt for open adoptions instead.
We have a right to information about our heritage, particularly for medical reasons. Secrets about things such as addiction , criminality, and mental illness can lead to real risks, along with chronic shame and family dysfunction.
Often, faithful partners rationalize or deny this need and their vulnerability to their emotional detriment. By not asking questions or expressing their needs, they enable and collude in deception for the same reason that the betrayer is dishonest or secretive — to not rock the boat and jeopardize the relationship.
On the other hand, we also have a right to privacy. Even in the most intimate relationship, disclosure of conversations with our therapist, close friends, and relatives should be discretionary. What, when, why, and how we disclose are all essential factors. The timing, impact, and our motives should be carefully considered. Full disclosure may be necessary to rebuild a broken marriage. Studies also show that people who have good self-esteem and a high opinion of their partner are more likely to forgive him or her.
In the first case, is it to deepen mutual intimacy? Disclosing our dissatisfaction in the relationship might be the necessary conversation that, if communicated earlier, would have prevented the affair. For everyone involved, the pain of the secrecy compounds the pain over the initial event, and the longer the deception continues, the more damaging it is to self-esteem. First, talk to someone nonjudgmental whom you trust, or seek counseling.
Each case of betrayal is unique. The potential damage and complications that surround lying, as well as disclosure, are things to consider when telling lies and keeping secrets. Contemplation in advance about the consequences of our actions to ourselves, our loved ones, and our relationships requires a degree of self-awareness, but can prevent unnecessary suffering. When the truth comes out, often it's enlightening. It can help the other person make sense of previously unexplained or confusing behavior.
At the same time, it can be devastating and traumatic to discover that the one we loved and trust has betrayed us. It can shatter the image we have of our partner, as well as our confidence in ourselves and even reality itself. Unfortunately, victims of betrayal frequently blame themselves.
Aggrieved partners begin to review details of prior events and conversations, seeking overlooked clues and evidence of lies. They may painfully conclude that they and their partner have been living in two very different realities, which they once believed were shared.
If the relationship ends, both partners may suffer from shame and blame, compounding grief. As with all losses, our first reaction is denial, if not of the facts, then of the severity of the impact. It may take time to accept the truth. Each of us will attribute a different meaning to the facts in order to heal and make peace with ourselves, our loved ones, and a disordered reality we once thought was safe and predictable.
Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an expert and author on relationships and codependency. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Back Magazine. You Are Good Enough So you're not a "10" in every which way. Subscribe Issue Archive. Back Today. Does Age Really Matter in a Relationship? Who Tells Your Story? How We Remember Hamilton, and Ourselves. Relationships How Secrets and Lies Destroy Relationships These are the costs of deception that partners rarely consider.
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